Investigations surrounding the missing mice came to a squeaking halt when pink mouse and red mouse were spotted, unharmed, in Chibi’s company.
“The mice apparently think it’s fun to play with Chibi,” said Goomba Gumshoe. “Pink mouse says that she enjoys Chibi’s melodic mewing and red mouse is happy that someone finally chewed off his nasty tail.” While there is no sign of blue mouse, white mouse, gray mouse or white mouse, Goomba Gumshoe considers this case closed. “The missing mice are probably just using the litter box,” he said.”I keep finding them in there stinking things up. At least, I assume they are the ones making things smell.”
Chibi continues to blame aliens. Nayru continues to roll her eyes.
Officials are on high alert after a sixth fleece mouse disappeared in a Minnesota household under similar suspicious circumstances. “It is like Pink Mouse and the others vanished into thin air,” said Goomba Gumshoe who was brought in to investigate the case. “The perpetrator left nary a clue for me to pounce on.”
Chibi Meow Meow, whose only previous criminal citations are excessive cuteness and playfulness, was named as a kitty of interest in this case. When asked if she knew the whereabouts of the missing mice, Chibi’s gigantic eyes were filled with gigantic tears. “It must be the aliens,” she sobbed.
“For a second, I thought I was interrogating an anime cat,” Goomba commented. “You can’t fake those anime eyes. My expert opinion is that the young lady is innocent.”
“Typical boy,” Nayru grumped while scratching Xes on the eyes of her photo of Goomba. “A pretty kitty bats her eyes and wiggles her tail and he’s ready to believe in little green men. The truth is that she’s a criminal mastermind.”
While some may write Nayru’s comments off as jealousy of a cuter, younger, smarter female feline, a source close to the investigation confirms that it’s not all spoiled tuna. “Up until about a year ago, when Chibi appeared, the home was apparently a safe haven for fleece mice,” the source commented. “In addition, there are multiple reports of Chibi luring unsuspecting mice into her control with a gentle outstretched paw and meows of kindness.”
The case is ongoing as investigators are following down open leads. “I just hope that Chibi finally gets what’s coming to her,” hissed Nayru. “And that ‘what’s coming to her’ is not another mouse.”
In the meantime, the families of the missing mice are NOT DOING ANYTHING. Come on, we’re just talking about toy mice.
The Staff of Zukey’s World News(and their humans) would like to wish you a very Meowy Christmas! In the spirit of the season, they offer up these presents to their readers.
Goomba offers you a view of his posterior as he scampers out of the room to avoid the touch of humans that don’t quite smell right. This is a huge issue! Haven’t you heard about the sticky squid kids?
Chibi Meow Meow offers you her favorite white mouse. Don’t mind the gray chunks stuck in its fleece. She swears it was that way when she got it … out of the litterbox.
Nayru offers you 16 pounds of inconvenient warming for your feet, hand, head, etc. Basically wherever you don’t want her, there she will be to offer her sizable weight for warmth. She especially wants to know if you don’t want her to warm Goomba by sitting on him. That’s her favorite way to be inconvenient.
The human companions wish you peace, love, happiness and all those other things that are meaningful but also FREE. Keeping the ZWN staff in cat treats doesn’t come cheap, you know.
While Tiramisu, pictured above, has gone to the great Italian restaurant in the sky, the legacy of her catty advice and bad breath lives on. Before she left this earthly litterbox, she coughed up her secrets to a paw-selected replacement. Now generations of litters can benefit from her great advice in the Cat Calls column!
I consider myself a consummate gentleman. It’s always feminine felines first. I let them have first dibs at the food, the sunbeams and the clean litterbox. I would even hold the door for my lady friends if I had opposable thumbs (thankfully, the human companions cut a hole in the wall to our toileting area). But I get the feeling that it’s not appreciated. I get chased, hissed at and constantly sat on. Now I can’t decide if the pain in my stomach is hunger or disappointment. Your truly, the Under-appreciated Under-eater.
Dear Under-appreciated Under-eater:
It’s time for you to wake up and smell the cat food. Your approach to the “fairer” felines hearkens back to the days or yore when the male kitties were depended on to bring home the bacon, or tuna, or other tasty vittles but in today’s household some females actually earn more food than their male countercats. So, your attitude is about relevant as the first cat toys which were made out of sticks and strings. In this cat-eat-cat food world, you need to seize the opportunity and capture that string. What are you doing? I did say something about sticks and strings, didn’t I? Oh well, I hope it’s tasty. Yours truly, Tira
Did Tira get it right? How would you have responded? Do you (or your animals) have a question that can only be answered by the divine diva herself? Please leave your feedback in the comments.
“It’s all fun and video games until someone falls down on the food chain,” commented Goomba in response a photo that surfaced of his human companions with tentacle-like appendages sprouting from their heads. “I had my suspicions when the male human become more interested in his gul durn Splatoon game than petting me, but I never suspected this would happen.”
Nayru, a connoisseur of tuna and other canned meat seemed less surprised. “Seriously? It’s not like they had that much hair to begin with. They were practically fish already. Albeit, fish that were not conveniently packed in oil.”
Both Goomba and Nayru are unsure about what this means to their household. Nayru is optimistic, “Maybe my food will taste extra fishy.” In contrast, Goomba is skeptical. “I barely like it when the humans touch me with clean, dry hands,” he complained. “Aren’t tentacles slimy?
The human(?) companions were last seen running around shouting, “I’m a squid, not a kid.” The Krakken was unavailable for comment.
Goomba is the senior contributor to ZWN having cut his teeth, quite literally, on his human companions when he joined the household in 2005. During the last decade he’s transformed from an enthusiastic cub reporter willing to chase anything thrown his way into a hardened curmudgeon who believes that pets are not free but earned. Still, when he gets the scoop, it’s the SH#T.
Nayru, the lifestyle and food editor, has been with ZWN since 2011. During that time she has completed one article, along with 1 billion bowls of food, most of which were put out for Goomba. Nayru is also the published author of Throwing your Substantial Weight Around which includes the often cited chapters, “Sitting on Friends”and “You’re NOT going to eat that (because I want to).”
Chibi Meow Meow joined the ZWN staff in 2014. She brings wide-eyed enthusiasm, a love of adventure and fluency in toy mouse. While a competent reporter, she has periodic lapses in judgement as when she leaves her beloved toys in the litterbox or tries to eat some of Nayru’s food.
Us cats in a certain household always have a lot to say — whether it is giving advice in the “Cat Calls”column or providing the 411 on the suspect happenings in “Goomba Gumshoe.” Unfortunately, when our human companions threw our typewriters out with the kitty litter, we felt like our paws were tied behind our backs. But all that’s changed with the introduction of Chibi Meow Meow, a new little kitty teaching us all about technology and how to operate these funny-shaped apples. Who knew that Tweet isn’t just something said by those delicious looking birds or that Blog isn’t just a noise that Nayru makes when she’s throwing up on the floor?
Zukey’s World Mews was founded in 2001 as a semi-periodic newsletter as an homage to Zukey, the best kitty ever. While there has been staff turnover, the creepy cat head logo has followed the writers from day one.